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Curtis Bolt vs. Frank Rock vs. Grundalychus vs. Geolix
Amset-Ra is checking https://reddit.com/r/legoleaks. (Go there. Now. If you know what's good for ya.) Suddenly-'' '''Amset-Ra:' YAAAAAASSSSSS! YES! YES! JURASSIC WORLD'S BACK! YEAH, BABY! WOOT! Dr. Inferno enters. Dr. Inferno: What's with all the demented screaming, mah boi? Amset-Ra: You know our business with feeding all the world's evil agents to the dinos? The dinos quit for not being paid well. Well, JURASSIC WORLD'S COMING BACK AND WE CAN KIDNAP GET MORE! Dr. Inferno: Or you can just go to Dino Island. Amset-Ra: Nah. That place's too cliche. I want something ultra-modern. Dr. Inferno: What more can you want? As far as ultra-modern, you've already got Ultra Agents and Nexo Knights... Amset-Ra: This is different. We can even get another INDOMINUS REX. You know, Morro's favorite white horse dino who tied with Ronin last season? Dr. Inferno: What's the deal with the strikethroughs? Amset-Ra: No! Not the fourth wall! It burrrrrrns! CRASH ... ... ... Amset-Ra: I've got fourth wall insurance! Take that, running gag! Dr. Inferno: Who's your insurer? Amset-Ra: Oh... Cyrus... Borg... Dr. Inferno: Didn't he, like, rip you off the last twenty-three times you bought insurance from him? Amset-Ra: Yup. Strangely, I kinda wish it was a full two dozen... Dr. Inferno: And add injury to injury? That's what the fights are for. Outside the arena, we add insult to comedy. Amset-Ra: Right, right... Dr. Inferior: So, about dinos... You'll be pleased to know that Grundal is fighting tonight. Amset-Ra: PLEASED?! That thing nearly laid off all my staff the last time we had it around! I gotta do something about it! Toodles! He flees the room as fast as he can. Dr. Incompetent: Wait! We're not done with this section yet! We still need to extend this section another thirty or so paragraphs! Grundal: (from the locker room) Jingle bells, fighting bell, start the battle now... Dr. Incapable: GAH! WE MUST HAVE BURIED THOSE GRUNDALITIS SHOTS WHEN WE THOUGHT WE DIDN'T NEED THEM! KNOCK IT OFF, TERABYTE! Terabyte: Sorry, I couldn't resist... He creeps away. Dr. Inferno: Now, about those Grundalitis shots... Wyldstyle: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid! Wow, what a crowd. What a crowd. It's actually a sellout. First one since Tee-Vee was here last. Priest of the Tee-Vee: He is always here among us. So you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why: Lest Tee-Vee will be coming... for you! Wyldstyle: Good thing I brought these earbuds. Now I can listen to "Everything is Awesome" while announcing. Amset-Ra, however, isn't so lucky. Amset-Ra: GAH! GET ME AWAY FROM THIS RESURRECTED DINO THAT SHOULD BE DEAD ON NINJAGO ISLAND! ... Uh, time to get calm, cool, and collected, I suppose... Sir Fangar: Did someone reference my glooooooorious collection? Amset-Ra: Coincidence... Anyway, our "friendly neighborhood" vendors are selling Grundalitis shots, fourth wall insurance, Tygurahs, and Tee-Vee dolls in the lobby, so go get 'em while they're -100% off. Audience: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NEGATIVE DISCOUNTS FOR THE WIN!!!!!! They rush out and buy out the Tee-Vee dolls and Grundalitis shots, but the fourth wall insurance and Tygurahs are strangely untouched. Wyldstyle: Right! In the Red Corner, the Ultra Agents' Curtis Bolt! Curtis Bolt: Interesting matchup... Yet only one of the present fighters speaks uninfringed English. Wyldstyle: In the Green Corner, the second-ever Monster Fighters figure to set foot here, Frank Rock! Frank Rock: Two monsters bigger than me... I wasn't trained for this... Wyldstyle: In the Yellow Corner, the morbid caroler of the Fighting Pyramid, Grundalychus! Grundalychus: I am old King Grundal... I'm the king of caroling! Wyldstyle: In the Blue Corner, a real rock in addition to the one in the Green Corner, Geolix! Geolix: GEO GEO! Amset-Ra: Read this. He hands a sheet of paper to Wyldstyle. Wyldstyle: And we have an announcement! M-OC is now a member of the Pyramid Staff! Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Curtis Bolt: Oh, come on! HE was the reason the last battle is the twelfth-longest ever! Wyldstyle: Yeah, no, it was more so Garmadon. Take it away, M-OC. And no, I'm not interrupting it this time. M-OC: There are four competitors in the pyramid today. The first competitor is Curtis Bolt. He defies the laws of physics by existing in both 2014 and 2015, which is quite a quandary for one's imagination. I may have just broken the fourth wall there, but I don't care, for I have the best fourth wall insurance. Curtis is an Ultra Agent, but his theme is retired. Why he still exists is beyond me. In fact, most of the audience are from retired themes. They do not compare to all that is modern and glorious, such as myself. One of Curtis' variants has hair, whereas the other does not. We went over this last match, but I shall repeat it for old times' sake. Helmets most likely do not make good hair. I have seldom met minifigures who do. In fact, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Donatello, was it? - had a helmet identical to Curtis'. This can only mean that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have hair. This spectacle would certainly make their fans cringe. The second competitor is Frank Rock. He is not an actual rock, as the name implies, so this is an ordinary case of false advertising. His first name is Frank. As Frank is a German name, the logical conclusion is that rocks are from Germany. Now there is another minifigure who goes by the name Rock. Actually, Stone. His name is Jack Stone. He seems to be in a predicament, as he lives in a city plagued by every conceivable natural disaster. In one of the early LEGO Magazines (not Club), this was the reason he lost in a gruesome, bloody deathmatch with Pepper Roni. Pepper gets to live on an island where the only problem is slow pizza delivery. How does he not know that his name is a pun? To live on an island with almost no problems is practically impossible. In fact, one of the problems is the name of the island. It is known as LEGO Island, but also goes under the name Ogel island. Is it coincidence, or does the name Ogel Island have anything to do with the evil Ogel? Let us hope not. It must be a great gift for a minifigure to get an island named after him before the minifigure's introduction. The third competitor is Grundalychus. He is a singer. But not an ordinary singer. He sings Christmas music and nothing else. In fact, his singing has impaired him for life. Or maybe it is a forced habit. He will also give people Grundalitis for being near him. This is a gruesome fate, if I do say so myself. This dinosaur is also similar to the Indominus Rex, whom he defeated early last season. Chances are, the Indominus Rex will return for the Pyramid sooner than the revived Jurassic World theme in 2018. You know what else is getting revived? That's right, Harry Potter. It will get a set or two, as well as a Collectible Minifigure Series. The Simpsons will also return with a set and Collectible Minifigure Series as well. But, in my opinion, Family Guy was always better than the Simpsons. Too bad K'nex has the toy license for that and Super Mario. If at all possible, I will seize the license from K'nex and give it to LEGO. That will teach K'nex a lesson. The fourth competitor is Geolix. A real rock compared to the faker Frank Rock. Yes, faker, not fakir, which is pronounced differently. Geolix is identical to Tremorox, except with green teeth and legs. I would hope it is not acid, as acid eats away at rocks. Another reason why his teeth would be green is because he is not brushing them regularly. What a shame. Geolix' legs have been stolen by Morro's Ghost Ninja army. No, not his literal legs, but the color thereof. In fact, many of the Ghost Ninja use it to fly. Morro, who is not capable of flight, must be envious. Additionally, it is not known at first glance that Bansha is a female. The red sleeve coloring must give her away. Red was always my favorite color. I hear that Lord Vampyre was dating her after the Vampyre Bride broke up with him. I hope the marriage goes well. And now, it is time for the analysis. Curtis Bolt is able to fire studs. No, not diamond stud earrings, though that would be magnificent for many girls, especially Catwoman. But yes, the same studs that are often used for building LEGO models. Sigh, what a limited imagination. Then there is Frank Rock. His monster fighting skills will come in handy, but, unfortunately, the only monster he has really fought is the Swamp Creature. Grundalychus can win just by singing and eating. Geolix is capable of throwing rocks (and Rock. And Jack Stone, I imagine. But Stone isn't a real minifigure) at his opponents. So, without further ado, my nomination goes to Grundalychus. M-OC flies through the floor outside the ring. Wyldstyle: It's time to rumble! V-I-B-R-A-T-E! Audience: WE"RE AWAKE! Amset-Ra: Good thing I installed those vibrating audience seats. It took me nearly 48 hours straight. Anyway, Tee-Vee, start us off. Tee-Vee: Battle:start. Priest of the Tee-Vee: No, you imbecile, you did it the wrong way again! But it's too late to turn back, as the fighters are already fighting! Grundal: Search the halls for tasty prey- Curtis: NOPE! You used that song already! Try something else, like, oh, I don't know... Grundal: Everything is dinner... Everything is good... Curtis: Much better. Now, I'll help you with your appetite, big guy. Frank: No, there are two big guys. Actually three. Curtis: I'm not counting you, Frank. I'm speaking of the real rock, not the oh-so-fake last name. Frank: THAT JOKE IS GETTING OLD! Prepare to meet destruction! CLICKCLICKCLICKCKCLICKCLICK... KCILCKCILCKCILC CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK Amset-Ra: First mistake made when building something. Frank: May I present... the Ghost Train! Geolix: GEO LIX GEO! SMASH! Frank: No fair! I spent eight seconds building that thing! Curtis: That doesn't sound too bad. Might as well build something myself. Grundal: I'll... be full... this battle... You... can count... on it... Frank: Jack! Lend me your hammer! Jack McHammer: Sorry. Sent it to the blacksmith for upgrading. Cyberman: Did someone say "upgrade"? Jack McHammer: No, not that upgrade. Frank: Might as well settle this the old-fashioned way: with lead! Curtis: Whoops, I don't have the pieces to build what I need. Amset-Ra: Is it just me, or is there too much talk and not enough action? Wyldstyle: You just described the real world. Frank: I hereby name my corner... "Mordor"! Curtis: Really... He walks over to Frank's corner. Frank: Whoa, whoa! One does not simply walk into Mordor! Now you'll pay the price! Wyldstyle: Whoa! Now Frank has grabbed Curtis, and is shaking him upside down to empty his pockets. Let's see... a stale candy bar... a 1934 wallet... three dollars in Ninjago currency... Ooh! A 2004 Limited Gold Edition Johnny Thunder Trading Card! Amset-Ra: Wyldstyle, if you keep capitalizing every word, it'll freeze like that. Wyldstyle: Yeah, I've Noticed. Frank: Done! He throws Curtis toward the Grundal but misses. Curtis: Nice try! Now it's my turn! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW! Frank: Only seven "pews"? I expected more from an "Ultra" Agent. Curtis: Oh, you'll get more... Geolix: GEO GEO!!! GEOLIX SMASH: PLAGIARIST EDITION!!! Curtis: I have not yet begun to fight, rocky! John Paul Jones: How unoriginal... Frank: What is original, however, is my brute strength! YAAAAH! Curtis: Not a good idea, Frankie... Frank: Oh, I'm not charging you, I'm setting up a trap. Knowing I'd lose, I rigged the arena before the fight. Amset-Ra: That's my boy! Frank: Get a load of this, Curtis! SPROING! Curtis: A baseball? Oh, and why isn't there really any action with Grundal and Geolix? Wyldstyle: Oh, they're fighting, but we thought it would be better if we showed this part of the fight instead. Fundraising, y'know? Curtis: Gotcha. Frank: This isn't an ordinary baseball, Curt. Look how it just froze in midair! BOOM! Splat! Curtis: YOW! HOT HOT HOT! What is this stuff?! Frank: Master Chen's spare noodles. There's a lot more where that came from. Curtis: Incoming! Frank: Yikes! Wyldstyle: A stray rock thrown by Geolix just flew over Frank's head, and is rebounding ff the ropes, and- OH! That's gonna hurt in the morning for Curtis. Curtis: Why wait for the pain... Frank: Activate dimensional vortex. Woosh. Audience: WHAT A BORING SOUND EFFECT! Tee-Vee: Curtis:Eliminated. Wyldstyle: Well, at least the audience drowned out Curtis' screams as he fell through the vortex. Wonder where he'll go? Frank: Never mind that; I've got some real monsters to tackle! Grundal: Said the Grundal King to the morsel here... Do you think what I think? Frank: ...You're gonna eat me, right? OM NOM NOM! Frank: You missed! Good thing I brought these hover shoes along. Amset-Ra: MINIFIGURES DON'T WEAR SHOES. Duh, everybody knows that. Except for flippers, maybe. And printing. Frank: Now that you mention it, these shoes do make me look fat... CLONK! Frank: AGH! Watch where you're throwing those rocks, rocky! Geolix: GEO LIX GEO! CHOMP! Geolix: GEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO! Wyldstyle: After throwing a rock at Frank, Geolix was eaten by Grundal, who hasn't swallowed him yet! If you have sensitive stomachs, look away now. Of course, readers can't actually "see" the battle, but you should probably still look away. SPIT! POUND! Tee-Vee: Frank:Eliminated. Wyldstyle: And Grundal has spit out Geolix onto Frank, breaking him into all ten pieces he is made off. Yes, ten, I'm counting the arms, hands, waist, etc. Geolix: GEO GEO! OM NOM NOM! GEOLIX: Geogeogeogeogeogeogeogeogeo! Amset-Ra: HEY! That's my season finale food! Wyldstyle: Geolix just ate some crystals he brought along with him. Apparently when he eats them, his name is capitalized and he speaks using lowercase letters as well as uppercase. Grundal: I'm... dreaming... of a rock... dinner... Just like the one in front of me... GEOLIX: Geogeogeogeogeogeogeogeogeo! Wyldstyle: You counted to make sure there were nine "geo"s, right? WHOOSH BOOM BAH! Audience: SUPER ROCK, SUPER ROCK, WHOOSH BOOM BAH! GEOLIX GEOLIX RAH RAH RAH! Amset-Ra: You plagiarized something from Warner Bros.! Audience: IT'S NOT PLAGIARISM, IT'S HOMAGE! Amset-Ra: Yeah, whatever, it's all the same to me. Grundal: Superman, Superman, Superman rock... Superman strength and superman speed... FALCON PUNCH! Grundal: I'll be back... next season... Ding! Tee-Vee: Grundal:Eliminated. Winner:Geolix. Geolix: GEO GEO! Wyldstyle: What an amazing finale! Geolix has executed a copywritten move to finish off his opponent. This is only the second time a Rock Monster has won a match in the pyramid, the first being Tremorox back in Season 1. Amset-Ra: MORE copyright infringement? Wyldstyle: I'm afraid so. Knock knock Amset-Ra: Who's there? ???: It's the Space Police! Open up! Amset-Ra: It's the Space Police! Open up who? ???: You're ruining a serious approach to copyright infringement in a comedy situation! Amset-Ra opens the door. Amset-Ra: Uh... hi, guys. I know a certain four-armed alien who wants to see you more than I do. The officer snaps the handcuffs on him. Officer: You're under arrest for breaking Article 5, Section 31 of Space Police law, which states that you must not plagiarize content in a comedy situation. So far, you have plagiarized content numerous times, broke the fourth wall numerous times, stole another species' transportation numerous times, fired laser out of your headdress numerous times, and have just now admitted to harboring criminals. Come with us. Amset-Ra: But you're the SPACE Police! You're supposed to arrest criminals in SPACE! Officer: Yeah, Earth is one of our stops, too. Curtis: I'm... dreaming... of a rock... dinner... Just like the one in front of me... BB-8 floats by. Curtis: Wait, that a droid. Floating among the well over 7,500 pieces of the new-and-improved MILLENNIUM FALCON?! Han Solo: That's right, old chap! 5,000 pieces just wouldn't do it foe me, so I made a few renovations. Rey: It's my ship too, you know... Hey! Weren't you *censored for spoilers* Han Solo: Uh... *censored reply* Curtis: What am I doing up here? Han Solo: For all I know, you were sent here by one of the Monster Fighters- HEY! Put that satellite dish back! Rey: But it's customizable! Han Solo: Well, then... might as well have a little war about who really owns this ship. Curtis faces the camera and shrugs. See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle. How much did you enjoy Curtis Bolt vs. Frank Rock vs. Grundalychus vs. Geolix? 1 (Least) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (Most) Category:Season 3 Category:Round 1 Battles